Hello, I am John Normand of 424 Urbandale, Apt. 1. There's an old Norse legend of a strange creature bald of head and fat of belly, who would lure Vikings to his mysterious piss-smelling island with the promise of oral copulation so good it would make the gods weep. Well, I'm here to tell you that the legend is real, because I suck dick like a mythical being, my chicken-crumbed lips adding just the right texture to make men cum quickly and with the violence of Thor's hammer. My ass is so tight not even farts escape, which is why my breath smells so much like Hades's cavern. I'm trying to get in shape now, drinking all manner of potions that bodybuilders drink, but my one weakness is my greatest downfall: I love the taste of cum. I must have it. It makes me strong and when I choke a man's penis it spits out that nut and flies through the air into my mouth and my baboon ass swells like Popeye's muscles and that thing in my mouth gives a toot-toot of delight, but it's not a pipe, it's the penis of a man I broke off in a fit of sexual desire. From my shit-smelling palace in Louisiana, I await brave souls who venture into my lair seeking the ultimate sexual experience, and if I had hair on my head it would be a bunch of wrinkly dicks that suddenly grow erect when they catch sight of a handsome bloke who needs his staff polished. If you have received the message from the gods to tame the wild beast, come to me and release your Kraken in my hairy white ass and I promise the only thing that will turn to stone is your penis. I don't need no Andromeda, man, I need dat dick and I need it quick. You better give me that dick, traveler, or I might have to break my fat foot off. I like black dick the best, and it's enough to make me write a sonnet in ode to the taste of n*gger nut. Pegasus ain't got nothing on me, because men ride me all the time and the only thing that flies is my saggy nuts swinging wildly as I jauntily gallop to an ugly orgasm and make a Q-face, which is like an O-face but it has a dick in it.

Anyway, I hope to meet a lot of gentlemen in the near future and give them the experience only a fat white guy with no future can give them, the orgasm of their life from a guy who peaked in kindergarten and now resigns himself to blowing strangers who pass in front of his house on the way to someplace less smelly. Please give me your dick. It's all I have to look forward to.